Why Humpbacks are the Spirit Whale for Millenials
Sure there’s no avocado toast or board game cafes in the ocean. But that doesn’t stop humpback whales from being the most accurate foil for our generation. So raise a glass of craft beer or a carafe of your favourite indie-vegan-locally-sourced coffee to the humpback. Because these whales are freakin’ lit.
They aren’t the biggest whales, they aren’t the deepest divers, and they can’t afford to buy a home in the city. But humpbacks are our whale.
Today, we take a look at these beautiful, lumpy giants to see why they’re the Millennial spirit animal.
Weird Flex, But Oh Whale
Humpback whales flex on each other. When they’re trying to win over a lady, the men get competitive. There’s posturing, and sometimes fighting to win the heart of their big, blubbery bae. The most notable flex posture technique is the Crucifix Block.
Crucifix block, the name even sounds like a Creed song Millenials would listen to ironically. And it’s actual description sounds a lot like the start of your typical bro fight.
The whale breaches the surface, standing tall and extending their pectoral fins to block and intimidate other whales. Sometimes they even push off each other aggressively. In practice, it’s almost exactly like a bro-down, with individuals trying to assert their dominance, puffing up their pecs and trying to get the other to back down before they eventually (or more often don’t) fight each.
It’s part of a long courtship where gangs of males escort a female while constantly trying to fend each other off, while simultaneously impressing her. This consists largely of creating bubble walls or posturing to get the others to back off. This can extend into the guys fighting, and even killing each other. And let’s be honest, if it’s coming down to murder, this isn’t the woman who they should be trying to impress.
Humpback Whales Can Dab
When most whales win Fortnite, they have no way of showing off. Pilot whales would need knees to pull off The Carlton, and dolphins can’t Swipe It. And even if they could, who needs the lawsuits? But humpbacks can jump in on public domain dance-brations as the only whales that can dab.
Most of the larger whales, like blue whales and the fin whale, actually have pretty small pectoral fins relative to their body size. With bodies wider than their fins, they’re are doomed to wander the seas in a drab, dab-less existence.
This is where the humpback really stands out. A humpback’s pectoral fin is the largest appendage in the animal kingdom. These fins can be up to 6 m long (~1/3rd of their body length), making it possible to dab.
Admittedly, they have limited head mobility. So it’s not a true dab with the head tucked into the elbow. But it’s pretty close.
Humpback whales don’t have completely immobile heads. They are sometimes seen head-lobbing - a technique where they raise their head out of the water and slam it down. There is some debate over the meaning of this gesture, whether it’s for posturing, warning, hunting, or a bit of each.
Humpbacks Get Friendzoned
Drake’s OVO logo is an owl because he considers himself to be a night owl. But he might be better served using the humpback whale as his emblem. After all, when they’re swimming through the 6ix with their woes, humpbacks can tell you all about “tryna take you out the friendzone.”
Although humpbacks may spend time in small groups of 2-3 whales, they don’t tend to mate within these groups. Instead, they just forage and feed together.
Like Drake getting ham-cheeked by Rihanna, humpbacks know the blow of getting stuck in the friendzone.
Getting Down With The Thicc-ness
Humpback whales were set to break the internet well before Kim even met Ray J. With curves in all the right places, they’re known for their thick, plump body shape.
Weighing around 36 metric tons and having blubber layers up to 6 inches deep, humpback whales know thicc. They pack up the pounds over the summer, fattening themselves up for the mating season when they live almost entirely off their blubber reserves.
Groups of males will follow these thicc ladies, competing with each other for hours, or even days.
Their desire for big beautiful whale tail isn’t limited to their own species either. In a Guide to Marine Mammals of the World, reports of a humpback-blue whale hybrid were revealed. A blue whale is easily, the thicc-est animal on the planet with over 35% body fat.
To put that in perspective, consider the size chart we looked at earlier. Blue whales are about 2 times the size of humpbacks and about 4.5 times their weight. As we mentioned when we answered, “how many leeches would it take to bleed out a blue whale,” blues are insanely big.
Fortunately, the mother was the blue.
